Slipping

Christmas is for those with family.

I lack one although I'm apparently "accepted" by many.

Father called....

Those convos are always fun.

With so much i feel so lost. Like who understands?

I feel I'm losing what I cherish most of anything and it scares me daily

hard to try and not think about it so I'm going to bed

sleep helps me not think and leave me with dreams to wake up from that i can try and decipher

Goodnight.

What Happened Last Night?

Shit I Was Drunk In Mexico On Christmas Eve.

Somehow ended up in a group pile on the beach having waves wash up into my face for a wakeup call

Tried to stumble back into our resort but im so dark they thought i was mexican so i had to try and prove my ethnicity though a slurred speech.

You know you were fucked up when your drunk the next morning.

Well i was fucked up.

Mom was worried but after i did what i do best and get everybody together whos under 25 and above 17 we started exchanging names, numbers, information, blah blah

Its christmas and it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

But eh fuck it; 

I had a good ass time.

Mom's A Fuckin Cry Baby

Cause Were At This Resort And I'm Not Content With Just Sitting By The Pool?

I'm a fucking guy like i dont do spa shit and its not like im complaining or nuthin lol

But since I'm bored she decides to make a big huff about paying all this money for this nice room and food and blah blah like I should be happy?

First off she never asked if this is where i wanted to go.

Never thought that since we are club level that everyone else would have to be elsewhere (all the families who have more than 2 people) cause they can't afford 4 or 5 people for club level.

I'm going ape shit sitting by the pool everyday but I feel like at the end of the day all else i got to do is go into town and I'll be damned if I'm kidnapped by some crazy mexicans lol

I know im blessed to able to come to a nice ass resort like this with v.i.p. everything but damnit i just wish i could watch regular tv and be on the couch with my wife.

Anger

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. You try so hard to hold on to your fleeting seconds of good fortune for the yang is not too far from the ying.

Anger is an acid that does massive damage to the vessel it is stored in, rather than the occupant its poured onto. 

Please believe my psyche was once solid. Now once hairline fractures are now fissures, scouring the ones i hold dear with my boiling hot rage for they are the closest. Yes there are good and bad times, but my mood changes much more often than my fortune. I long for the day I can be passive aggressive again. See the only thing stopping me is that I now have too much to care about. I hold the reins of too many carriages filled to the brims with my hopes and dreams and I'll be damned if I let them be squandered on petty apathy. My mother may be in a good place but shes far from help in trying to help me get through these last couple of "teen years".

My anger blows out the lamp of my mind, leaving me tearing through innocent bystanders till i regain "consciousness ". 

Anger is an expensive luxury in which only men of a certain income can indulge and I'll be damned if this recession isn't making me bite my tongue. 

Some take over anger to somewhat intimidate their subordinates, but eventually, you'll just find the anger taking over you.  Then you too can no longer patch the cracks of your sanity with bubblegum promises and band aid therapy

When it comes to anger, lost is where you'll find yourself.

Im In Mexico

Not Going To Go Into Too Much Detail For It's Pretty Baller Here And My Shits All Included.

Yes My Friends.

All Access, Everythings Paid For Already, Going On A Bar Tour Tonight With The Fellas

Shit Should Be Cool And I'm Going Shopping Tomorrow For Shit

No, I Will Only Be Getting A Souvenir For My Wife.

All i can think about is her but im not going into detail for im writing her her christmas gift.

So for now, no freebies ;p

I'm Going To Mexico

No it's not on a drunk bet.

Though thats oddly how most get there.

I'm going to a resort that opened a week ago, ocean side, club access level, meaning everything is paid for, surfing, jet skiing, blah blah blah.

Yet it hasn't hit me yet that i leave first thing tomorrow morning.

Really hasn't been my week.

No I'm not about to make a list of my issues.

Seems like a waste of time for I've tried to address them countless times

Yet nothing has changed.

Is it my fault?

Is it my fault that i have such a hard time to trust; or is it the positions I clearly throw myself in feet first.

I'm tired of putting others ahead of me for lately I'm left weary and tired from all the extra shit not involving me.

I try to trust; but the fact that my cynical mind is often right just leaves me in my shell.

Yes i try to crawl out every now and then, but i mean shit.

Hard to say you can trust when my "brother" who i thought i knew best turned into the ignorant niggas I disregard, within just a 2 month period time.

I'm really trying to contemplate what it is i want or need.

I haven't been able to live inside the comfort of my head due to my now shared psyche with my wife.

 I accept this.

But that to is hard, when my trust is strung on the tightest of ropes where all that i have left is my general love.

Ha....

Love.

Who thought I'd ever be saying those words...

But as the one year rolls around i find myself needing nothing but her support and mind.

Man.

I'm fighting the feeling of hopelessness for that is far from who I am.

I always have a will; thus I'll always have a way.

My Words.

People clearly don't understand when a joke is made.

I found out first hand tonight, that somebody will actually hold in all their feelings and get upset over some dumb shit that i said as a joke that everybody;  including that person, laughed about.

Do people hang on my words that deeply?

Can a phrase created in my mind really bring you to the verge of tears?

To that i say, grow the fuck up.

I don't patty cake bullshit and I'm not going to lower my standards to your usual being of pampered behavior.

I could give a fuck how you feel really.

So the next time to feel like i crossed the line.  Tell me.

Cause the "I'm too good for this bullshit" got played out when niggas hit the real world.

In Case You Didn't Know.

Terminator 4 is coming.

Yes  common's in it.

Yes Dragonball Z movie is coming out but looks incredible lame for its with real whack ass people. 

10Deep mixtape is all thats jamin in my ears currently.

What A Shit Day

And At The End Of It My Women Have Left Me With No Support.

Me & Ryah Had A Rough Fight. Going To Bed With Shit Not Resolved.

I Know Im Not Going To Sleep Well

My Mother Swears Im Not Her Child And I'm Not Going To Vacation With Her

Slammed The Door On My Bruised Knuckle

Fucking A

This One Time In Sb.

Me and Tim went to Santa Barbara for halloween.

It was really crazy, hundreds of people, everyone was drunk or high, everyone acting hella belligerent.

So me and Tim were walking down Del Playa; yes the street was literally "the playa", which is the major party street where all the crazy drunk UCSB students live. It's like a mile stretch of pure party, frat, and sorority houses.

Well we were trying to make our way through the 70,000 record amount of people that had shown up to dress up and get as fucked up as you could possibly get.

There was this girl who was obviously way far past intoxicated. Tim noticed her because there was this guy who was i guess trying to fuck with her and grope on her and all this shit. I hadn't even noticed her because I was too amazed with the crazy ass costumes people were wearing and being so into whatever character they committed to.

So Tim checked the dude.

Tim - Eh Cuhz, Don't You Think She's A Lil Too Fucked Up For You To Be Touchin On Her Like That?

Dude - Eh Blood I Don't Think It's Nun Of Yo Fuckin Business What It Is I Do.

Tim - What'd You Say You Slob Ass Nigga?

At this point this ignorant, dark ass, akon lookin ass nigga was moving up towards Tim.

Now I had started to pay attention to what went on as soon as i say Tim was talking to someone and became alarmed as soon as someone said "blood" when Tim was sayin "cuhz".

So the dude pushes Tim into me. 

Tim immediately rebounded off me and pushed the guy back.  The dude took a swing at tim but Tim ducked, I saw the opportunity and connected a good hook to the guys face which knocked him down.  Tim got on top of him and tried to swing at him but all of a sudden like 4 other guys came out of nowhere and grabbed tim by the arms. So i kicked homeboy in the head while he was on the ground to make sure he wasnt getting back up and then threw an elbow at the back of one of the guys heads when they were all tryna grab tim. He kinda doubled over and grabbed his head but i kneed him in the chest while he bent over and he went down.

Meanwhile Tim was being held by two guys on each arm and one guy tried to like do a running punch on him. Tim like bucks backward onto the two guys and kicks the running guy in the chest. I then tackled the guy to tims left and hit him with as much force as i could muster and he looked like he was out with the first punch.  The dark ass nigga who started all this shit hit me in the chest and knocked me back and Tim like jump tackles him and grabs him by the collar and wails on him till Tim is kicked of by one of the others. I grabbed that guy and put him in a sleeper hold till tim could get up. He grabbed his legs and we body slammed him into the concrete. He tried to get back up but Tim landed a mean ass uppercut and the dude low-key crumpled on impact. Shit looked like a movie scene how clean it was.

Then about 10 other people watching jumped in for no other reason then to just land a cheap shot on somebody and mayhem ensued.

So the cops finally showed up in serious numbers but we were all still brawling; punching, kicking, getting hit, shirts ripped, etc.

Finally i was pulled of whoevever i was fighting and supposedly threw an elbow back and hit the cop in the chest. he then hit me with a baton and shit gets a little hazy from there.

So everyone is finally arrested in a row on the closest curb; 16 in all.

We were taken to this temporary station that was set up to detain all the excessively drunk and crazy folk in the huge crowd. 

We were charged with Public Disturbance, Battery, and Assault on a Officer.

The girl who this all was started over in the beginning showed up at the station with her parents and they bailed us. After we were released they treated us to dinner and a change of clothes. 

We recently went to court for all this.

On top of the charges we were facing, the original 5 tried to sue us.

*Tim was sued for the two broken ribs he caused (the guy he kicked in the beginning)

*I was sued for the shattered jaw i caused when i hit the guy on the ground

*We were both also sued for the miscellaneous bruises and abrasions for all 5

Mind you me and tim had like some 20 bruises between us and didnt complain.

But since we had the parents come and testify for us we were left off with self defense and a misdemeanor trespassing, thus the suing charges were dropped as well.

Even though we were left off with such minor charges, it all in all was a shitty experience.

It's Done

I've gone through some major shit these past few days.

Found out who's here for the scenery and where my true friends are. I remember laughing at people who would say that because i always though that if they were a true friend it was obvious they wouldn't do you dirt and leave you hangin? But i guess I'm just now having issues kids have in middle school cause I'm not used to friends and their drama.

Shit was major simple when i had two friends, a book, and school.

I Really Believe I'm Going To Write Like 4 Spokens Cause I Really Am Having A Hard Time Trying To Explain My Shit.

Basicly, I Still Don't Know What I'm Doing With Myself.

Wtf

 My Moms A Fucking Baller,

 Yet I'm Not.

My mother on tuesday had her back window of her prius broken in. She was really disgruntled for that car has been rear ended, side swiped, stolen and brought back (yes a crackhead stole the car and brought it back a few days later), been back into a lightpost, and hit while parked. She had been talking about possibly going to trade her car in arround christmas time to buy maybe a Beamer or another Mercedes or w/e.

So a day goes by.

I in the morning asked my mother for a 20 for gas cause my 97 jeep wrangler isn't to fuel efficient.  She leaves me 10 and says thats all she has. "/. Now this has been going on for a while. My mom has been all super stingy with me and giving me the bare minimum of what she can possibly do like im a nephew or some shit.

So later in the day I get a phone call from my mom. 

Mother - Guess what i did???

Me - What?

Mother - I bought an Brand new Auti Convertable 2.0 turbo white with beige interior.

Me - Holy christ!!!!. Whend You go to the dealership? Arent you at work?

Mother - Yea I'm at work. I bought it in one payment over the phone!

Me - .....

Now if you remember her not being able to give me 20 dollars cause she "Didnt have it". Yet she was able to purchase a 40 something thousand dollar car in one payment over the phone within the same day.

This is following the event in which my mother maxed out her Bloomingdales credit card on a sale. Her card's max is 5,000. Now Bloomingdales has a mens and womens department if im not mistaken for I myself, have purchased a substantial amount of items for dressier events. But no. Not a damn thing in that 5,000 splurge had anything for me. 

Now I'm not trying to act spoiled. Or you know throw a lame ass fit cause my mother isn't getting me anything.

But Fuck Man!

I'm really sick of her like throwing money away in my face, yet seeing me struggle with my miniscule financial difficulties that to her would be a mere fraction of anything shed consider an issue. Like from her buying 5,000 dollars worth of clothes without once thinking about me, to her purchasing a fucking car in one payment within the same day of her saying she couldn't spare 20 dollars. I don't really know how i should react about this without seeming like a spoiled child. Yet it's really wearing on my nerves.

The Concept Of A Warrior.

See I'm more than intrigued than anything by a Warriors Spirit.

I love the mentality that comes from a fighter.

The glory reaped from a just battle between two fierce competitors.

It explains why I've been doing boxing off and on for about 3 years. It's only been off and on because I've always wanted someone to train me. You know like in the movies?

 Lame I Know

But seriously. I would be the greatest of students. As soon as i learn a new punch or way to further myself I'd do it till it aches to bad to do it anymore without rest. My mother never approved of me joining any serious team because she feels it would ruin any chance of me doing commercials for damage to my face. 

Knowing my hatred of being in front a camera

So I tried doing Muy Thai for like 2 and a half months. It was Amazing! But i started complaining about the pain in my shins from kicking all day. So my Sansei explained how i needed to roll an olive oil bottle covered in olive oil as hard as i could up and down my shins till I killed the nerve endings so i would stop feeling the pain. 

Not stopping damage to my shins. Just not feeling the pain.

So I stopped Muy Thai and went back to boxing. But again no specific trainers who would be able to take me through a day by day. So I'm now doing Brazilian Jui Jitzu.

If You've ever seen a UFC fight its what they mainly use for the grapples, Submissions, Throws, and Takedowns.

I love the concept of the personal training and demonstrating and learning by doing. Like you learn a grapple then you practice with your partner till you understand it. Then learn how to use it in combat. This is no Taekwondo. It's serious shit that leaves me with sore joints from all the submissions that the 50 year old teacher made me tap out effortlessly with.

Maybe I Was Born In The Wrong Era?

You know like maybe I was supposed to be in the Renaissance because I so would have been a knight. Or maybe in the Roman empire days so i could have fought as a gladiator. I believe how much better the world would be when the greatest invention would have been a crossbow? In the old days a leader was a great man respected in battle for his bravado and his words for his intellect and wisdom through experience. 

How many modern warriors were killed by stray bullets in our war in iraq fighting a daddy's boy president's agenda?

You could never catch a stray sword in a vital organ by chance in the ancient days.

I Don't know, Maybe I'm Just A Nerd Fantasizing.

Women.

I was having a conversation today with my boy jeffery.

J - "Man these hoes is just jockin the shit out of my nuts lately. 

Like just the other week I had this bitch pay for my meal and

then gave her the permission to suck me off in my car."

(Now I'm not putting you on blast cause i told you I'd write about this)

See me and Jeff fight all the time about everyday shit because were both extremely stubborn and have very strong personalities and nooormally a decent argument to uphold.

But What In The Fuck Is This Nigga Really Talking About?

See this hit me hard cause I'm so tired of men being disrespectful to women and treating them like dogs.  Now see I'm raised from a single mother. So as soon as i start to hear some disrespectful shit about any woman I raise up because i feel as if it's not checked then that same ignorance could be portrayed to her and i just won't allow it.

I've heard some of the most disrespectful shit just in this past week alone.  An old friend of mine told me how her ex used to hit her! Like seriously fucking deck her and her not do anything about it.  All i could do is look in awe because again, I looked at it as something that could happen to my mother and my blood boiled.

(Not like my mother wouldn't cut off every knuckle that hit her)

But Still.

 I couldn't even imagine the thought of raising a hand to a female in the sheer shame I'd be doing to my mother and coming from an abusive household where I myself was on the wrong side of a drunk fist for 8 years.

Hearing these dreadful stories will make you look at some of todays relationships in disgust.  My mother made sure i knew what it meant to be a man for knowing that i one day would be a husband and father of my own.

My Mother - "The man is the spine and the woman is the muscle.  For even while the man is the sturdy backbone in the relationship, he still wouldn't be able to move a damn inch if the muscle surrounding him was weak."

See I live by those words, and treat my woman accordingly.

It's too sad that so many males these days, don't.

I'm So Tired

I'm so tired of gas prices

I'm so tired of traffic tickets

I'm so tired of having a curfew

I'm so tired of passive aggressiveness

I'm so tired of indecisiveness

I'm so tired of "coincidences"

I'm so tired of little kids acting tough

I'm so tired of my mom eating the last of my cereal

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not accomplishing Anything

I'm so tired of working dead-end jobs

I'm so tired of my cars mechanic bill never being under 500

I'm so tired of my mom bitching at me about leaving the lights on

I'm so tired of people thinking they know me

I'm so tired of followers

I'm so tired of cliques

I'm so tired of functions

I'm so tired of skinny jeans

I'm so tired of the Fucking Valley

I'm so tired of reality T.V. droning out the sound of true love

I'm so tired of everyone being a photographer

I'm so tired of everyone taking everything so seriously

I'm so tired of ignorance

I'm so tired me shrinking all of my t shirts

I'm so tired of my hair

I'm so tired of my computer always running out of memory

I'm so tired of people copying your shit and acting like they started it

I'm so tired of my mom having so much money and me having none

I'm so tired of my sidekick

I'm so tired of dusty bitches not catching a hint

I'm so tired of my hats not fitting right cause my hairs too long

I'm so tired of working at Ruehl

I'm so tired of my dishwasher smelling like mildew

I'm so tired of needing some new jeans

I'm so tired of people thinking i give a fuck

I'm so tired of gossip

I'm so tired of trying to make something out of my dance career

I'm so tired of getting stood up

I'm so tired of oversleeping and then being tired all day

I'm so tired of lacking initiative

I'm so tired of not being in college

I'm so tired of people trying to find new ways to abbreviate shit on aim

I'm so tired of sugary ass niggas trying to act so tough

I'mso tired of worrying about getting stabed in a fist fight

I'm so tired of people being scared what other people think

I'm so tired of the blue light on my sidekick

I'm so tired of people just wanting to "chill"

I'm so tired of trying to be what my father is not

I'm so tired of my mother always choosing her career over me

I'm so tired of being an asshole

I'm so tired of losing my headphones

I'm so tired of my cat acting Bi-Polar

I'm so tired of not being able too find a good book

I'm so tired of my xbox still being broken when all the good games come out

I'm so tired of just about everything.

My Place Of Business

I've been working at Ruehl in the Topnaga Mall for about 3 shifts now. 

(Thats means 3 days to all you unknowing unemployed folk)

It has to be the most boring and repetitive jobs, I in my short life have ever had to maintain.  I've been fired from the other 3 jobs I've held; the last two being because of my 

"Aggressive Attitude".

On That Note.

 I'd Like To Say My Suck My Dick To California Chiken Cafe And Pinz Bowling Alley

But now im stuck at this mind numbing job of being a model at some over priced Mental Ward chalk full of projectile spit-talking managers and cry baby staff all under the same superficial roof.

I mean for Christ's sake you can't even stop people from stealing shit even when its fucking obvious! I have to stand there like an idiot and if i see you putting some jeans in your purse say something retarded like,

 

"Are you sure those are your size?" 

Or no maybe i'll bust out with my favorite that my manager swears up and down will deter you from leaving the store with their bullshit, hundred dollar, fubu look-a-like jeans. He swears it will stop criminals in their tracks from stealing and might even give you a tip for not turning them in and feeling guilty.

Are you ready for the Magical Punchline?

Are you Sure....?

Ok here it is!!!!

"Would you like some sandals to go with those?"

......

Yup....Thats It.

I swear to god I'll kiss this man balls if i ask somebody 

"Would you like some sandals to go with those?"

 and they turn to me and say 

"You know what? I don't even feel like stealing these anymore"

 and place them back into my posession, and then give me 5 bucks for being so smooth about it.

So if you see me with my eyes glazed over, posted up on some support beam of Ruehls store front; feel free to shoot me right in my face because thats probably all im dreaming of. Someone to put me out of my misery or on extended medical leave so that i can at least try to get the Techno Mix of Copa Cobana out of my head.

The Predictable Nature Of Human Beings

i hate people.

This isn't to be confused with my love for my few friends and wife.  They are of a unique breed of people that keep me level headed and often quite sane.

Everyone for the most part is typical, predictable and for the most part obvious in even their most devious thoughts.  

I Could Say "I Can Guess What It Is Exactly Your Intentions Are Right Now"

And Your Response Would Be Nothing But "Prove It"

You say this so that you in a sense could validate yourself as being complex and "Not Of The Norm", by me making a simple mistake at some point of my explanation by over generalizing you based on my biased belief of your overall demeanor.

If you were to gander through the eyes of a cynic you'd truly understand my skewed perception of this world we live in. 

I Hate People.