Slipping

Christmas is for those with family.

I lack one although I'm apparently "accepted" by many.

Father called....

Those convos are always fun.

With so much i feel so lost. Like who understands?

I feel I'm losing what I cherish most of anything and it scares me daily

hard to try and not think about it so I'm going to bed

sleep helps me not think and leave me with dreams to wake up from that i can try and decipher

Goodnight.

What Happened Last Night?

Shit I Was Drunk In Mexico On Christmas Eve.

Somehow ended up in a group pile on the beach having waves wash up into my face for a wakeup call

Tried to stumble back into our resort but im so dark they thought i was mexican so i had to try and prove my ethnicity though a slurred speech.

You know you were fucked up when your drunk the next morning.

Well i was fucked up.

Mom was worried but after i did what i do best and get everybody together whos under 25 and above 17 we started exchanging names, numbers, information, blah blah

Its christmas and it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

But eh fuck it; 

I had a good ass time.

Mom's A Fuckin Cry Baby

Cause Were At This Resort And I'm Not Content With Just Sitting By The Pool?

I'm a fucking guy like i dont do spa shit and its not like im complaining or nuthin lol

But since I'm bored she decides to make a big huff about paying all this money for this nice room and food and blah blah like I should be happy?

First off she never asked if this is where i wanted to go.

Never thought that since we are club level that everyone else would have to be elsewhere (all the families who have more than 2 people) cause they can't afford 4 or 5 people for club level.

I'm going ape shit sitting by the pool everyday but I feel like at the end of the day all else i got to do is go into town and I'll be damned if I'm kidnapped by some crazy mexicans lol

I know im blessed to able to come to a nice ass resort like this with v.i.p. everything but damnit i just wish i could watch regular tv and be on the couch with my wife.

Anger

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. You try so hard to hold on to your fleeting seconds of good fortune for the yang is not too far from the ying.

Anger is an acid that does massive damage to the vessel it is stored in, rather than the occupant its poured onto. 

Please believe my psyche was once solid. Now once hairline fractures are now fissures, scouring the ones i hold dear with my boiling hot rage for they are the closest. Yes there are good and bad times, but my mood changes much more often than my fortune. I long for the day I can be passive aggressive again. See the only thing stopping me is that I now have too much to care about. I hold the reins of too many carriages filled to the brims with my hopes and dreams and I'll be damned if I let them be squandered on petty apathy. My mother may be in a good place but shes far from help in trying to help me get through these last couple of "teen years".

My anger blows out the lamp of my mind, leaving me tearing through innocent bystanders till i regain "consciousness ". 

Anger is an expensive luxury in which only men of a certain income can indulge and I'll be damned if this recession isn't making me bite my tongue. 

Some take over anger to somewhat intimidate their subordinates, but eventually, you'll just find the anger taking over you.  Then you too can no longer patch the cracks of your sanity with bubblegum promises and band aid therapy

When it comes to anger, lost is where you'll find yourself.

Im In Mexico

Not Going To Go Into Too Much Detail For It's Pretty Baller Here And My Shits All Included.

Yes My Friends.

All Access, Everythings Paid For Already, Going On A Bar Tour Tonight With The Fellas

Shit Should Be Cool And I'm Going Shopping Tomorrow For Shit

No, I Will Only Be Getting A Souvenir For My Wife.

All i can think about is her but im not going into detail for im writing her her christmas gift.

So for now, no freebies ;p

I'm Going To Mexico

No it's not on a drunk bet.

Though thats oddly how most get there.

I'm going to a resort that opened a week ago, ocean side, club access level, meaning everything is paid for, surfing, jet skiing, blah blah blah.

Yet it hasn't hit me yet that i leave first thing tomorrow morning.

Really hasn't been my week.

No I'm not about to make a list of my issues.

Seems like a waste of time for I've tried to address them countless times

Yet nothing has changed.

Is it my fault?

Is it my fault that i have such a hard time to trust; or is it the positions I clearly throw myself in feet first.

I'm tired of putting others ahead of me for lately I'm left weary and tired from all the extra shit not involving me.

I try to trust; but the fact that my cynical mind is often right just leaves me in my shell.

Yes i try to crawl out every now and then, but i mean shit.

Hard to say you can trust when my "brother" who i thought i knew best turned into the ignorant niggas I disregard, within just a 2 month period time.

I'm really trying to contemplate what it is i want or need.

I haven't been able to live inside the comfort of my head due to my now shared psyche with my wife.

 I accept this.

But that to is hard, when my trust is strung on the tightest of ropes where all that i have left is my general love.

Ha....

Love.

Who thought I'd ever be saying those words...

But as the one year rolls around i find myself needing nothing but her support and mind.

Man.

I'm fighting the feeling of hopelessness for that is far from who I am.

I always have a will; thus I'll always have a way.

My Words.

People clearly don't understand when a joke is made.

I found out first hand tonight, that somebody will actually hold in all their feelings and get upset over some dumb shit that i said as a joke that everybody;  including that person, laughed about.

Do people hang on my words that deeply?

Can a phrase created in my mind really bring you to the verge of tears?

To that i say, grow the fuck up.

I don't patty cake bullshit and I'm not going to lower my standards to your usual being of pampered behavior.

I could give a fuck how you feel really.

So the next time to feel like i crossed the line.  Tell me.

Cause the "I'm too good for this bullshit" got played out when niggas hit the real world.

In Case You Didn't Know.

Terminator 4 is coming.

Yes  common's in it.

Yes Dragonball Z movie is coming out but looks incredible lame for its with real whack ass people. 

10Deep mixtape is all thats jamin in my ears currently.

What A Shit Day

And At The End Of It My Women Have Left Me With No Support.

Me & Ryah Had A Rough Fight. Going To Bed With Shit Not Resolved.

I Know Im Not Going To Sleep Well

My Mother Swears Im Not Her Child And I'm Not Going To Vacation With Her

Slammed The Door On My Bruised Knuckle

Fucking A

This One Time In Sb.

Me and Tim went to Santa Barbara for halloween.

It was really crazy, hundreds of people, everyone was drunk or high, everyone acting hella belligerent.

So me and Tim were walking down Del Playa; yes the street was literally "the playa", which is the major party street where all the crazy drunk UCSB students live. It's like a mile stretch of pure party, frat, and sorority houses.

Well we were trying to make our way through the 70,000 record amount of people that had shown up to dress up and get as fucked up as you could possibly get.

There was this girl who was obviously way far past intoxicated. Tim noticed her because there was this guy who was i guess trying to fuck with her and grope on her and all this shit. I hadn't even noticed her because I was too amazed with the crazy ass costumes people were wearing and being so into whatever character they committed to.

So Tim checked the dude.

Tim - Eh Cuhz, Don't You Think She's A Lil Too Fucked Up For You To Be Touchin On Her Like That?

Dude - Eh Blood I Don't Think It's Nun Of Yo Fuckin Business What It Is I Do.

Tim - What'd You Say You Slob Ass Nigga?

At this point this ignorant, dark ass, akon lookin ass nigga was moving up towards Tim.

Now I had started to pay attention to what went on as soon as i say Tim was talking to someone and became alarmed as soon as someone said "blood" when Tim was sayin "cuhz".

So the dude pushes Tim into me. 

Tim immediately rebounded off me and pushed the guy back.  The dude took a swing at tim but Tim ducked, I saw the opportunity and connected a good hook to the guys face which knocked him down.  Tim got on top of him and tried to swing at him but all of a sudden like 4 other guys came out of nowhere and grabbed tim by the arms. So i kicked homeboy in the head while he was on the ground to make sure he wasnt getting back up and then threw an elbow at the back of one of the guys heads when they were all tryna grab tim. He kinda doubled over and grabbed his head but i kneed him in the chest while he bent over and he went down.

Meanwhile Tim was being held by two guys on each arm and one guy tried to like do a running punch on him. Tim like bucks backward onto the two guys and kicks the running guy in the chest. I then tackled the guy to tims left and hit him with as much force as i could muster and he looked like he was out with the first punch.  The dark ass nigga who started all this shit hit me in the chest and knocked me back and Tim like jump tackles him and grabs him by the collar and wails on him till Tim is kicked of by one of the others. I grabbed that guy and put him in a sleeper hold till tim could get up. He grabbed his legs and we body slammed him into the concrete. He tried to get back up but Tim landed a mean ass uppercut and the dude low-key crumpled on impact. Shit looked like a movie scene how clean it was.

Then about 10 other people watching jumped in for no other reason then to just land a cheap shot on somebody and mayhem ensued.

So the cops finally showed up in serious numbers but we were all still brawling; punching, kicking, getting hit, shirts ripped, etc.

Finally i was pulled of whoevever i was fighting and supposedly threw an elbow back and hit the cop in the chest. he then hit me with a baton and shit gets a little hazy from there.

So everyone is finally arrested in a row on the closest curb; 16 in all.

We were taken to this temporary station that was set up to detain all the excessively drunk and crazy folk in the huge crowd. 

We were charged with Public Disturbance, Battery, and Assault on a Officer.

The girl who this all was started over in the beginning showed up at the station with her parents and they bailed us. After we were released they treated us to dinner and a change of clothes. 

We recently went to court for all this.

On top of the charges we were facing, the original 5 tried to sue us.

*Tim was sued for the two broken ribs he caused (the guy he kicked in the beginning)

*I was sued for the shattered jaw i caused when i hit the guy on the ground

*We were both also sued for the miscellaneous bruises and abrasions for all 5

Mind you me and tim had like some 20 bruises between us and didnt complain.

But since we had the parents come and testify for us we were left off with self defense and a misdemeanor trespassing, thus the suing charges were dropped as well.

Even though we were left off with such minor charges, it all in all was a shitty experience.

It's Done

I've gone through some major shit these past few days.

Found out who's here for the scenery and where my true friends are. I remember laughing at people who would say that because i always though that if they were a true friend it was obvious they wouldn't do you dirt and leave you hangin? But i guess I'm just now having issues kids have in middle school cause I'm not used to friends and their drama.

Shit was major simple when i had two friends, a book, and school.

I Really Believe I'm Going To Write Like 4 Spokens Cause I Really Am Having A Hard Time Trying To Explain My Shit.

Basicly, I Still Don't Know What I'm Doing With Myself.